@JazzJazzybc: I always said I'd never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.
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@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
@TheCatWhisprer: Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: I told you to slow down. Cop: License & registration, please. Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers? Me: Look underneath them.