I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately