My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes