Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Big Sex has us all fooled
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people