I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong