I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
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Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
This might be the funniest tweet ever
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already