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@Sean_Burgundy_: I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don't give someone a reason to talk to me
@UnimpressedWU: Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
@dreadnaught69: She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home
@heatherlarson77: Live today like it's your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.
@susafrican420: white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
@funnyordie: Meanwhile, at the White House... #matwh