To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.