I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.