@LousyBastard: Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day "Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!" so I don't have to see her again.

@MrEd_EVH: A $300 dollar bat won't fix a $2 dollar swing -life lessons from Softball Coach

@lecalabara: Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won't you just text him?

@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"

@fillthevacuum: *tries hard* *fails* *tries flaccid*