My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.