I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
You Might Also Like
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ACED my prostate exam!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
According to math, I’m broke
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.