Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
You Might Also Like
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ve been drinking.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.