I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
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FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.