I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
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“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.