*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*