I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.