I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
It was worth a shot 😂
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]