I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Good advice.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.