If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell