how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
shut up and take my money
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.