I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.