I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.