@TheMichaelRock: I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
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@shutupmikeginn: Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
@brianbowman73: Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line. 50 Shades of Dre.
@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.