@TheMichaelRock: I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever
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@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure
@TheCatWhisprer: Based on her reaction I don't think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
@FuckabillyRex: I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
@generaldietz: NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom