I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.