[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’