“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this