Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂