@sandjoeman: Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

@seanyeatts: Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"

@clindsaysway: *attempts seductive selfie in bed *drops phone on face *chips tooth

@AimeeHelene1: Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring. *turns around* *grabs one of his crayons* *slowly breaks it* *whispers "you're next"*

@AristotlesNZ: I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."