[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
all bases covered
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.