I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.