I am having an out of money experience.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems