Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.