I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Meanwhile in Canada…
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story