Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I love the honesty
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
reminder
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.