I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”