I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Britain be like
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Chicken bread
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Is anyone gonna tell them?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.