If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.