I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
You Might Also Like
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Good morning!
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Grandmother clock.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Nose
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it