I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
*puts cutlery down*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
What my back needs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
can’t talk my ride’s here
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.