This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Only a mother’s love …
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you