I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
an octopus is just a wet spider
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”