There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?