Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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And bowling should be called pinball
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
same bro
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.