My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
my mind
You just read my mind
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.