If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
You Might Also Like
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
translated into Canadian
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.