‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.