I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
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7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.