I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me