I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened