“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.