[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
This probably isn’t good
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I enjoy a good short stor
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!