I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Steam Forums
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
taking June’s advice to heart