@oria2326: I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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@animadvertguy: 1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water. 1916: I'm in a muddy trench, bleeding internally. 2016: IM OFFENDED!
@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
@GrantTanaka: band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS crowd: [shouting songs] me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
@XplodingUnicorn: My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.