There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!